No one knows where the shoe pinches, but he who wears it……
My sentiments are exactly as I reflect on this week’s post. While going through old pictures, my eyes have found a commonality in all of my pictures. My clothing is different. My hair is somewhat different. The locations are different. The events are different. Even the guests in the pictures are different, but they all still have one thing in common. I have noticed that my eyes have spoken the same phrase in each picture: “help me!”
There is just a slender smile in each picture as if they can say, “How dare you smile, why smile, you have nothing to smile about. It would only widen your face more! If you show any glimpse of happiness, then you are telling yourself that you are accepting yourself, the way that you are.
As I shuffle through the pictures it is as if I could hear those eyes silently whispering, “help me.” I did not voice my plea, but like a child when a mother look into the eyes of her child, she just knows that the child needs her. Consequently, I ponder on why they could not see right through me. My household, the ones I have slept with, and the ones I have eaten with. The ones that I have nurtured day after day.
I have asked myself many times, “why couldn’t they see?” My eyes have screamed for help. I am silently screaming for help. Why could not my husband see? I have slept with him, and I have eaten with him. Why could he not put it together? Did he not realize that’s what my eyes are screaming? That is the reason that I have made excuses when he has wanted to go out. Why could he not get it? I have loved him and have wanted to always be with him, but he did not know! I have made excuses when he has wanted to go out. It is not that I did not want to be with him to laugh, to have fun, and to share a dance in which he has loved; I was just embarrassed. How dare I Lennie publicly flaunt all that I have. That is my reasoning for rejecting every opportunity to travel. That is the reason when I did not agree to go; I did not want to leave the room. I did not want to embrace the laughter of friends. This is the reason I have enjoyed the intimacy of stormy nights without electricity. For I have believed that if I had seen myself intimately and have allowed myself to embrace life, and all it has to offer, then I would accept myself the way that I am. There never would have been a change.
How could my children not know that I am loving them through frustration? I cannot remember a silent day in my home. Every folly of my children has yielded a loud voice. I am held captive by my weight, and I have reacted like a prisoner with my children. I am not happy during most of time. It is like a fight each day because I have known deep inside that they are not the blame for my weight. They are my babies and the closest ones to me, therefore they have felt the blows of my frustration. I have become a slave to the frustration and a master to apologies. They are a staple in my home.
The eyes have revealed secrets that others cannot always see. After asking myself why anyone could not see my cry for help, I have to ask myself, “did I really want them to see?” Looking into the eyes of another is the hardest thing that I could do because I believe they would see what I am hiding. They would see embarrassment of myself. They would really know that even though I have shared a slender smile and a periodic laughter that I was simply not happy. Years and more years of layers have accumulated on my 5’4 stature. My confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth has become buried under the weight, which is similar to dirt being piled during a burial.
Please, allow me to say this is my personal experience. There are many that have embraced themselves with much confidence and self-esteem, but I relate the years of packing on the pounds to imagining someone who is buried alive. The more the dirt is piled, the more they have suffocated. As the years have passed, the more life and breath that leaves my body. As I have struggled to grasped for air, the more a part of me has wanted to submit to the fight for life. The ones that cannot see my cry for help are the reasons that I have struggled to live.
The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger can share its joy. Proverbs 14:10
Until next time I leave with you Jeremiah 20:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”Regardless of where you are in your life know that He has a plan for you. It’s not as it appears. Remain in Him for in Him lies every promise.
Until next time, remember there is no fun in dancing alone! Come on there’s room in The Word for you too! Come on let’s dance!!